If i knew how to properly start and end this i wouldn't be writing in the first place. It would mean i have a better understanding of everything [I like to have an understanding of things] {Don't have an understanding of this thing and is what makes it a thing} Somehow find comfort (Today{06/23/12}) in memories of W.A.K. Keeping me going lately.
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Then i somehow read this today {09/15/12} and don't even recognise the person who was writing these past words. All i know is that he is not too happy, and i don't know why........
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Then i somehow read this today {09/15/12} and don't even recognise the person who was writing these past words. All i know is that he is not too happy, and i don't know why........
Today {03/26/13} this all seems stupid; feel so happy with everything. Know I am in a good place in my life; my health is the best its ever been (even as I get closer to 30), mentally my days seem to be in the positive more often than not. Makes me wonder how I could ever not be 'good' with myself. One day I will understand it all (kind of the point of writing all this)
{11/24/13} Hey, Hello, Hi. Been having some pretty bad days over the past 3-4 days, and then all of a sudden the latter half of today everything seems fine. Still no idea what the deal is. Looking back at the days I don't recognise how I'm thinking/acting. Was very negative and not very pleasant. I feel Adriane can see it happening but does not know what to do. But at the same time I'm scared that she can't see what's happening and just thinks I'm being this way towards her, and being the way she is she may think it is because some thing she has done.
{05/27/15} Impressed that i have been keeping this post going for so long? Don't honestly feel a lot of this any more, am focusing on the positives and is making a big difference. Not pushing people away as much and spending a lot of time with the amazing family and friends that I have [find that this makes a huge difference in my overall happiness]
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Party on Wayne.....Party on Garth
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{04/20/18} So 3 years since I last touched this. I turn 35 tomorrow and again at times don't feel I have anything under control. Have got to a point (after completely falling apart) where I'm more comfortable with it all. It is who I am and if I "fix" it I change who I am. I'm comfortable enough to admit in writing that I have depression, and that I am at times suicidal. I am comfortable saying this because I honestly believe I will never go through with it. I have people in my life that I don't feel I could do that too. I'm always reminded of my first thoughts of suicide as a teenager (14y/o). I still have the image in my head of standing in my childhood kitchen with a knife in my hand and how the thought of my little sister coming home and finding me after i went through with it and how it would effect her. The thought of this brought me to tears, and still does. This has honestly kept me alive for a long time, the thought of hurting her kept me going and trying to get happier. On the positive it has helped me have an absolutely amazing relationship with her even though she doesn't know this, and I don't know if I will ever be able to tell her this.
{07/19/19} Reading this today really hurts. The person writing these was in a lot of pain, even though it was masked by happiness at time..
The Fall of 2017 was when things completely fell apart, as an adult, and was the beginning of a very important change in my life. I can still remember the morning waking up and feeling completely powerless to the feeling of not caring and not being able to help myself (to put in bluntly I wanted to end my life). I wanted to talk to someone that day, but didn't have it in me to bother anyone with my issues. This continued to swirl down to a horrible place.
With the help from my amazing wife/partner/best friend i was able to begin talking this through and making the decision to change. She has supported me in every way to do this.
As I write this I can reflect back on what happened/who i was, and see how things are getting better now. This is in large thanks to the family/friends, new and old in my life. So if you are ever reading this know that without you I would not have been able to do this life thing. (You mean the world to me, even though i have trouble expressing those words at time)
{05/27/15} Impressed that i have been keeping this post going for so long? Don't honestly feel a lot of this any more, am focusing on the positives and is making a big difference. Not pushing people away as much and spending a lot of time with the amazing family and friends that I have [find that this makes a huge difference in my overall happiness]
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.
Party on Wayne.....Party on Garth
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.
{04/20/18} So 3 years since I last touched this. I turn 35 tomorrow and again at times don't feel I have anything under control. Have got to a point (after completely falling apart) where I'm more comfortable with it all. It is who I am and if I "fix" it I change who I am. I'm comfortable enough to admit in writing that I have depression, and that I am at times suicidal. I am comfortable saying this because I honestly believe I will never go through with it. I have people in my life that I don't feel I could do that too. I'm always reminded of my first thoughts of suicide as a teenager (14y/o). I still have the image in my head of standing in my childhood kitchen with a knife in my hand and how the thought of my little sister coming home and finding me after i went through with it and how it would effect her. The thought of this brought me to tears, and still does. This has honestly kept me alive for a long time, the thought of hurting her kept me going and trying to get happier. On the positive it has helped me have an absolutely amazing relationship with her even though she doesn't know this, and I don't know if I will ever be able to tell her this.
{07/19/19} Reading this today really hurts. The person writing these was in a lot of pain, even though it was masked by happiness at time..
The Fall of 2017 was when things completely fell apart, as an adult, and was the beginning of a very important change in my life. I can still remember the morning waking up and feeling completely powerless to the feeling of not caring and not being able to help myself (to put in bluntly I wanted to end my life). I wanted to talk to someone that day, but didn't have it in me to bother anyone with my issues. This continued to swirl down to a horrible place.
With the help from my amazing wife/partner/best friend i was able to begin talking this through and making the decision to change. She has supported me in every way to do this.
As I write this I can reflect back on what happened/who i was, and see how things are getting better now. This is in large thanks to the family/friends, new and old in my life. So if you are ever reading this know that without you I would not have been able to do this life thing. (You mean the world to me, even though i have trouble expressing those words at time)
{05/23/22} Same old same old.
Have had some great cries lately. Some "fuck it, I'm done" moments.
Really thought things were trending upwards; had some good people in my life. Friendships have always been a weird space for me. Navigating them takes such a significant effort and I feel it takes its toll. I love all my friends, but feel my awkward approach comes off a bit intense. Can definitely notice it along the lifetime of certain (most) friendships, as people tend to just fade away and get more distant.
One positive is, I have realised that alcohol isn't the best for me. So need to manage that better.
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